The Shark by Julia Parger

“I swim with the big fish now”, Robert thought to himself as he glanced out the window of the 22nd floor. He observed illuminated buildings, the flickering lights of cars passing by and the silhouettes of people wandering around. Robert had just come back to his hotel suite from a meeting with his bosses. The big bosses. The international league of excellence. Years ago, he had dreamed of such an opportunity. Now that it had happened, he felt uneasy. Pride filled his chest while a black knot took up more and more space in his stomach. It paired heaviness with racing thoughts that spoiled the moment that should have been the proudest one in his career.

Robert stood there in silence, waiting for the knot to disappear on its own but it only expanded. He reached for his phone to call his “career success manager”, Mildred, who told him that the knot in his stomach had nothing to do with him being on the wrong path. She claimed to just have received a vivid image of Robert’s past, a glance into a scene where his mother had told 5-year-old Robert a thing that now made him incapable of enjoying his own success.

He quit the conversation with contentment. He again had successfully defeated his gut feeling. Soon, he would have pushed it down so far it wouldn’t have the strength to resurface when Robert really would need it. But that’s the thing about Robert: He didn’t mind. He, in fact, didn’t want to be warned, advised or sent on some alternative path. He had mapped out his future years ago: Career, love life, family. Everything was sorted. Since then, his highest goal in life was to let no one and nothing stop him from pursuing his perfect plan.

After the call, Robert went to his golden bathtub, the one he had specifically requested to be put in before his arrival at the hotel. He called the maid to fill it with regenerative herbs and skin smoothing oils. Robert let himself sink in and closed his eyes for his daily success routine. He visualized himself wearing Gucci and Armani suits and bathing in piles of money. It put a mild smile on his face.

The next morning, he repeated the bathtub and success manifesting ritual. He finished up with his skin care routine. Robert carefully examined every little pore with the help of a tiny mirror. He looked for birthmarks, pimples and other marks of imperfection. If he found one, he called his “beauty guy”, a famous beautician he had discovered on Instagram who told him which secret remedy to put on his spots or how to find the perfect make-up tone to hide his irritations. He then spent the next two and half hours aiming to look like a heavily photoshopped version of himself. It made him feel unstoppable.

It took Robert years to accomplish that level of perfection. In fact, every time he was reminded of his past self, he felt like an imposter, like he was undeserving. Sometimes he wished for a big rubber so he could erase the person he had been in an instant. He shivered when he thought about the weak, nerdy boy he used to be. A loser who loved to garden. He used to be a pet. A golden retriever. A guppy. But thanks to his dedicated routines, he had made himself better. He finally fulfilled his potential. He was more attractive. Admired. Invincible. He was a predator now. A lion. A shark.