Photo by Jonathan Petersson on Pexels.
Writing inspired by the following SWC prompts:
Write a story or a poem using one of the following phrases as its title.
Roll a dice to randomly choose the phrase (or simply pick your favourite):
1. Pour your heart out
2. Heart of stone
3. Follow your heart
4. I know this place by heart
5. Wear your heart on your sleeve
6. Cross my heart and hope to die
Heart
by Hebatollah Ashraf
“So I rolled the dice and it told me to follow my heart. But the dice isn’t supposed to tell us what to do, is it?”
“This is the game, Mum. You agreed to play with me!”
“It’s a stupid game, Honey. But it’s OK to have some fun”
“My game isn’t stupid, you’re stupid!”
“You don’t talk to Mummy like that!”
“I’m not talking to you again! There’s no point, you never listen.. The only thing you heard is when I told you you’re stupid. Why? Because you are! And my game is not stupid!”
The little girl with a pitchy voice and curly hair left me behind. She has many names that I’m not sure which one I should call her now. She’s always visited me in my dreams, and daydreams. But not anymore. She was really mad that last time. She thinks that I, her future mum, am a hopeless case. She stopped coming to me on Monday mornings before coffee to assure me that this mundane life of mine shall pass, and she will arrive. I looked forward to that day when I won’t have to wake up to mornings like these. Well, I won’t be sleeping in the first place, and my favourite coffee will fail to numb me into correctness. By that time, I won’t be in my right mind… Or how else would she ever come back to me?
Do I even want to admit how long she has been in my dreams before that fight? I wasn’t really in my right mind when I let her in, I didn’t know it would cost me all that longing time. I did agree to play that game with her, and I rolled the dice, but “Follow Your Heart” is just lame! How would a woman in her right mind follow her heart, when that’s exactly the place where she’s being attacked all the time? I already broke my heart a hundred times before, but once this girl comes back to my arms, I will give the world a thousand more reasons to break my heart again and again.
When I was younger, I used to play the lame heart game, but I never told anyone about it because I thought it was stupid. Nevertheless, I kept building my own stupid world, and left my people behind to theirs. When I grew into my right mind though, I stopped abandoning others, and stopped wasting my time on stupid things. I turned into that correct woman who sucks her own passion rather than sucking other people’s energy with it. Passion has mostly put me in places that scared me, and in many ways also scarred me. In my right mind, I’d listen to my super-ego and volunteer space to someone more passionate than me (or shall I say more comfortable with their passion than I am?). Does anyone I know need a mother like me? Not my kid, I guess.
“You’re stupid!”
“Sweetheart you’re back!”
She caught me by surprise and I couldn’t hold my tears. Lately I have been on Instagram longer than I’d want to admit, and with all the kids that were murdered in the feeds, I thought she’d also gone forever. But she’s still alive! She looked at me and all I could feel was mercy that held my newborn heart, letting it take in fresh air for the first time, and touching its skin to calm it down. But I couldn’t hold her.
“Why are you crying, Mum?”
“Because you don’t seem to come… It has been so long and I find it hard to believe you. Were you lying to me?”
“No, I’m not lying. I’m coming!” she said with an excited smile that beats every sunshine I ever saw.
“I know you don’t lie. When you said that I’m stupid you were not lying”
“Mum? Do you feel shame?”
“Shame?! Who taught you this word?”
“I don’t remember.”
“Oh Darling, I’m so sorry!”
She never met anyone else but me, I didn’t let her. I thought I managed to keep her in my womb forever, and I have no idea why I thought it was the right thing to do. I’m stupid! I let my little kid know shame all too well. And I think I cried harder realising this.
“Mum? What do we do when we find a loved one crying?”
“We pat them on their shoulder and comfort them.”
“Right shoulder or left shoulder?”
“You choose, Sweetie. You can also pat on the back.”
She put her little arms around my neck and hugged me (did she even listen to me?!).
“Mum? Do you wanna play a game?”
“Yes, Honey.”
This time, with a rather victorious smile, she said: “Roll the dice!”
I rolled the dice and got “Follow Your Heart”, again.
“What should I do next?” I asked her.